How to Convince Your Significant Other that You’re Pregnant on April Fool’s Day (even though you’re not)

Lying about being pregnant is already multiple shades of messed up. Unfortunately, it’s become all too common for people to pretend that they’re pregnant on April Fool’s Day, so much that now it’s cheap and derivative. Which is why if you’re going to do it, you’d better do it right.

  1. All about body language. 
    By that, I mean gain weight. Start eating larger portions weeks beforehand so that you can slowly enlarge your stomach and have a gradual progression. You don’t have to be significantly heavier, but enough that it’s convincing. During this time, you should also periodically comment on and complain about the way you’ve been putting on some pounds lately. This way, it will be in the back of his mind and will be able to “connect the dots” when you finally tell him of his baby child. Don’t overdo it though, or he’ll start to think something is wrong way before the big reveal on April Fool’s Day.
  2. Props to you.
    Every theatrical production needs some choice props and this is no exception. Fake pregnancy tests that always show positive are a given and there are cheap ones that you can buy online. Yes, really. I literally just googled it. But that’s too easy, so you need to do more. Nowadays, it’s all the rage to find and film creative ways to tell your boyfriend or husband that you’re pregnant. So, take a page out of their book. Buy a baby outfit or even a crib to present to your partner saying things like, “I couldn’t help myself after I found out!”
  3. A family affair. 
    If you have close family members who are just as psychotic as you, then bring them into the picture. Have them call and congratulate the happy couple on finally bringing another joyous life into the family. Bonus points if you can convince your partner’s parents to join in on the act. It will make him feel heartbroken and betrayed not by just you, but his own family as well. Which, of course, makes it even funnier, right?
  4. It’s all about presentation. 
    Chances are, if you’re doing this, you probably don’t care about your partner’s emotional well-being whatsoever. I mean, seriously, this is fucked up. But if you really want to absolutely convincing, you need to be aware of your significant other’s feelings towards pregnancy.
    If he wants to have a baby and you two have been trying, it’s relatively simple. You just have to act extremely excited and giddy when you give him the news. Overriding the initial skepticism of a April 1st pregnancy declaration is dependent on your enthusiasm. But you also have the advantage of your partner wanting it to be true, so it probably won’t take much convincing.
    On the other hand, if you two weren’t planning on having a baby and you know your partner doesn’t want one, then it gets a bit more difficult. You could go two ways: super excited or super dejected. The super excited route will induce terror and make them wonder if he’s dating a crazy woman. And if you play up the crazy angle a little bit, then you will fuel his fear and confusion, which will cloud his judgement even more. The main problem with this approach is that he may go straight into denial as a defense mechanism against the fear. It’s hard to get past that.
    And so, I recommend the other option. The super dejected route requires a bit more finesse and acting skill, but is ultimately more persuasive. Unhappiness needs to ooze from your every pore like your entire life is ruined. Crying helps. Construct a timeline and story of how you’ve been getting morning sickness, but thought it was just the oysters you ate the night before. Talk about the research you did into abortion clinics. Convey your fear of having to tell your parents. Since you can’t overwhelm his skepticism with enthusiasm, undermine it with copious tears and details.

After all this, after your boyfriend/husband/boy toy either cries of happiness or starts making plans to leave the state, reveal to them with a classic, “it’s just a prank, bro!” His face will be priceless, I guarantee it.

And if this ends up destroying your relationship and he leaves you, well…what the hell did you expect?

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