Spontaneity is the soul of romance, which makes Valentine’s day the least romantic, most soulless day of the year. Not to mention, for single people, it dredges up horrible memories of pain and heartbreak and leaves you feeling cold and miserable and alone.
Basically, it’s the Dementor’s Kiss of holidays.
The thing is, even if you know in your head that Valentine’s Day was created to sell and obscene amount of chocolate, flowers, and lube, your heart and countless ads tell you that you’re a pitiful loser with perpetual morning breath and atrocious fashion sense. And while that may be true, there are still ways you can enjoy Valentine’s Day. Also, try flossing.
Here are some ways you can improve your Valentine’s Day experience.
- Think about all the money you’re saving. Do you know how expensive flowers are? Me neither because I’m also single, but I hear they’re pretty damn pricey. And if I wanted to buy something colorful that would die after a few days, I would get a goldfish.
Also, the chocolate. I mean, did you really want to buy all that chocolate just so you can give it to someone else? Why? For the love and appreciation of someone you deeply care about? Okay, but think about this. You could use that money to buy chocolate and then eat it. Tell me that doesn’t sound better.
Of course, if you’re really rich, then the saving money argument probably doesn’t make you feel much better. So for the super rich, I recommend this alternate plan: Buy out all the chocolate in a given store, stack it all up right outside and laugh at the people desperately trying to get last-minute gifts for their significant others. The misery of others really helps soothe the bitter loneliness in your heart. Which actually brings me to my next tip.
- Heckle couples. Explain to the duo sitting next to you at the movie theater how a film is actually a solitary experience since you’re just staring at a screen for 2 hours, so your significant other is boring and unimaginative. Sit down at a local Starbucks and ask every couple that comes through the door why they’re at a Starbucks for Valentine’s Day. Give sage advice to the PDA couples on how to improve their kissing technique and even offer to teach them about your special tongue move, the Slug Suplex.
Sure, you come off as a pathetic cold sore of a human being, but it will also ruin their day. Unless, of course, they’re well-adjusted and don’t take the words of a loser to heart. If that’s the case, throw hot coffee at them or commit some similar felony.
- Have some quality “Me-Time.” In other words, spank the monkey, polish the pole, erupt the volcano. Or in the case of the opposite sex, pet the beaver, polish the pearl, go self-spelunking. Look, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about spending time with the person you love, right? Who is the person you love you the most and knows your body the best? Exactly.
- Netflix and chill. As in watch movies and eat lots of ice cream. Because that would make you chilly. Moving on.
- Read a book. You want to escape reality for a while and immerse yourself in a completely different world where your own problems fall away as you join the adventures of a rich, complex character as they fight, cry, heal, hurt, grow, endure, crumble, laugh, and love their way through life? Read a goddamn book.
I’d avoid anything by Cormac McCarthy though. Shit’s depressing.
- Plan your own holiday that would exploit the emotions of the unsuspecting public. South Korea is excellent at doing that. Valentine’s Day in Korea is actually a holiday where the girlfriend is supposed to give candy to the boyfriend. They have a separate holiday called White Day on March 11th where the guy gives candy to the girl, while Black Day on April 14th is when the single people go out and eat 짜장면, a black bean paste noodle dish, and lament their singleness. Not to mention Pepero Day on November 11th, where couples are expected to get Pepero snacks for each other simply because the date “11/11” resembles the cookie. It’s simultaneously the dumbest thing ever and the best marketing ploy of all time.
Not to mention the sheer amount of anniversaries Korean couples are “supposed” to celebrate. Like the 22 day anniversary of the relationship. Yes, 22. I can barely remember a girl’s face after dating them for 22 days.
With all these stupid holidays for couples, no wonder the birth rate in South Korea is one of the lowest in the world. Nobody wants that stress in their lives.
But then again, it works in pulling a lot of money, so why not do that in the States? Here’s my idea: Ex Day.
What happens on Ex Day? Simple. You buy a bunch of dead flowers and send them to your ex. Not only is it a non-harmful way of letting your ex know that you’re still actively bitter, but it also takes advantage of the yet untapped market of dead flowers. It’s perfect. Hit me up if you’re interested.
As you can see, there are plenty of ways to make your Valentine’s Day as a single man/woman much more enjoyable. You just have to be a little creative. If you have any other suggestions, please tell me. Please. Not that I’m begging. But please.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and do all of 1 through 6. In no particular order.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
P.S. Here’s what inspired Ex Day.