You Need This Drug

Light, hopeful music begins to play. An older white man is playing golf. He swings his club then looks up into the camera.

Man: I used to have aches and pains in all of my joints. I could hardly get up in the morning and couldn’t play catch with my white son. I couldn’t even make sweet sweet love to my white suburban wife anymore.

Cut to Man in backyard with arms around Son and Wife, all with pearly white smiles fixed onto their faces. 

Man: Then I started taking Xyloponex. I instantly knew it was better than all those other pussy drugs because there are more “X”s in this one. It removed all of my joint pain and even made me 3 inches taller!

Wife: And that’s not the only thing that got 3 inches taller!

All three of them laugh heartily, although Son seems a bit uncomfortable. Cut to Wife washing dishes because that’s what suburban wives are supposed to do. Man and Son are visible through the window, playing catch with a football. 

Wife: My husband used to be in so much pain, I thought that I would have to go and find a job myself. Thankfully, his doctor recommended Xyloponex –lifts up a pill bottle that was hidden under the dishwater- and now he’s completely pain-free! He can continue bringing home the bacon and I can continue washing the dishes and cheating on him with the next door neighbor!

Man: –coming closer to the window with a stretched smile- Hey, I heard that!

All three of them laugh heartily again, although Man’s seems more forced this time. Begin montage of Man doing various activities while a soothing voice speaks over the images. 

Narrator: If you are experiencing severe joint pain or muscle fatigue, don’t trust the recommendations of your doctor, who is a trained medical professional, and instead ask him to prescribe Xyloponex.

Man is enjoying a picnic with his family at the park. He throws a Frisbee for a dog because they always had a dog. And of course it’s a golden retriever. 

Narrator: Xyloponex has been proven to relieve pain much quicker and for much longer than any other drug, especially Melodikan, that second-rate, good-for-nothing, piece-of-shit drug. It literally gives you cancer.

Man is shaking hands and laughing with a black guy in a cardigan. Because diversity. 

Narrator: Xyloponex is the best fucking drug out there.

Man is standing in front of the neighbor’s house, shouting cheerfully and swinging a baseball bat. The neighbor is peering through the curtains.

Narrator: Side effects may include increased drowsiness, dizziness, short-term memory loss, short-circuiting, fever, vomiting, cottonmouth, muscle spasms, hyperventilation–

Man is sitting on the toilet, reading the back of the pill bottle with a look of concern.

Narrator: –hypertension, testicular torsion, rectal inversion, liver damage, blindness, sexual attraction to lawn mowers, intestinal bleeding, coughing, abdominal pain, yeast infection, depression, hives, erectile dysfunction–

Man is sitting in bed with his wife, showing her the pill bottle.

Narrator: –epileptic seizures, erratic mood swings, exfoliation, expecto patronum, exasperation, kidney failure, diarrhea, tuberculosis, dysentery, liposuction, swelling of the ankles, swelling of the fingers, swelling of the boobies–

Man is at the doctor’s office, clearly agitated as he shoves the pill bottle into the doctor’s face. The doctor is simply smiling. 

Narrator: –severe scoliosis, loss of hearing, loss of depth perception, loss of self-worth, excessive fingernail growth, uncontrollable liberal tendencies, unwanted pregnancy, pneumonia, lung cancer, claustrophobia, and sometimes even death.

Man: –to the doctor- That’s fucking horrible! Why didn’t you tell me any of that?

Doctor: I’m not really a doctor. I’m just an actor in a white coat.

Zoom to a close up of the doctor as he turns to the camera, still smiling widely.

Doctor: Take Xyloponex today!


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