First Day at the Gym

I went to the gym today. It was my first day since my other first day at the gym two weeks ago. There was another first day a month before that and probably another a few weeks before that.

You could say that I’m an expert at first days at the gym. Let me give you some tips on how to handle that fateful day you decide to sweat a little.

  1. Only look at people who are in similar or worse shape as you. Look, I get that you want to stare creepily at the hot guys or girls with toned bodies and sweat glistening on their muscular foreheads, but trust me, it just makes you lose your self-esteem. Luckily, I don’t have much of that problem since my gym is mostly frequented by senior citizens, so I can stare creepily at whomever I want. Another reason why you should only looking at people who are in worse shape than you is because it elicits 3 emotions: relief, fear, and shame. Relief because you’re glad you’re in better shape than that guy and fear because you’re afraid you’ll soon turn up like that guy. Shame is because that guy is actually trying to do something about it, being in the gym and all, while you’ve been at home, putting off brushing your teeth because you think that you’ll probably eat something later in the night. These 3 emotions will help you get through the workout.
  2. Not unlike needles and completely unlike penises, smaller is better. You should still break a sweat and be a bit sore the next morning, but you don’t want to overexert yourself the first time. Don’t go for the big toys just yet; stick to the basics and go slow. Once you’re more comfortable, then you can bring more things into play, like leg presses and deadlifts, as well as more weight. You’re trying to build a momentum, gradually increasing your health and strength until you reach your peak, not racing to the finish. To use the needle analogy, you want smaller needles first to get you used to the sensation of them pricking you. Then, over the course of several weeks, you use bigger and bigger needles until you finally get to the giant prick. I hope that was clear.
  3. Wear the clothes you normally wear when you’re mucking around at home, eating hot Cheetos and being a disappointment to your family. Chances are you’re going to the gym to “improve yourself” in more ways than just getting jacked. Therefore, if you go to the gym wearing the clothes that you normally wear while being a slug with a Netflix account, you’d be forced to wash them after they’re soaked in sweat and vomit (the vomit is if you ignored my second tip). Then that will in turn, force you to wear something else besides sweatpants for the first time in 27 days and hopefully make you more active outside of the gym as well. And if you have 2 other pairs of sweatpants like I do, well, you’re screwed.

There are, of course, more guidelines to follow on this fateful day, but these three are the core essentials. Follow them carefully and maybe on my next first day at the gym, I’ll have more tips to share with you all. Good luck.

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